I certainly did this, and like many transracially adopted children, there were many moments growing up where I wished that I was white like the other kids around me.
Other kids made fun of my eyes and nose.
Now, the '80s styles were particularly brutal to me, with glasses that didn't fit well, hairstyles - (Laughter) that looked ridiculous on me.
(Laughter) This narrative of adoption might be uncomfortable for you to hear. (笑声)这种关于##的叙述可能会让你不舒服。
The narrative that we usually hear is that of a new parent, who is eagerly awaiting a child that theyVe been wanting for so long.
The parents, story is told with love, joy and excitement, and as they bring a newly adopted child into their home, family and friends celebrate and congratulate the parents on their wonderful decision to adopt.
My parents1 adoption story was like a beautiful blanket that kept me warm.
But after a while, it felt like the focus was more on the blanket, covering me and my point of view entirely.
I couldn't emotionally breathe.
My parents would say things to me like, "I fell in love with you the first time I saw your photo."My heart broke.
They love me, I know that, and I was wanted.
But I wish that the only birth story I had wasn't so sad, so humanitarian.
I would often confuse love with gratitude, especially when other people would say things to me like,'you're so lucky to be adopted to America,"or, Your parents are such angels to adopt you."To a child, it felt like these comments were constant reminders to be grateful to my parents' charity.
I resented that I couldn't tell these adults, "I don't like being reminded all the time that I'm adopted.
I just want to be a normal kid, and maybe even be ungrateful once in a while." (Laughter) But I learned to smile without really smiling, and as I grew older, I wanted to be able to say,"Sara is still sad."But I buried my feelings, and it wasn't until later in life that I realized I'd never really grieved my own adoption.
Where do we find the emotional oxygen to own our own stories?
Since the late 1990s and early 2000s, researchers like Dr. Richard Lee have focused on different parenting techniques for transracial adoption.
The hope is to help children and their adoptive parents better adapt to their unique racial and ethnic circumstances.
There's more inculturation encouraged, that exposes children to the people, places, languages and culture of their birth families.
Some parents focus on racial inculcation to specifically work with their children on the racism and discrimination that they will experience outside of the home. 一些家长注重种族灌输，专门与子女一起解决他们在家庭之外将经历的种族主义和歧视问 题。
And some parents allow children to choose as they get older the level of exposure to the culture of their birth families.
Now, we might look at these signs of progress and think we've got it all figured out when it comes to transracial adoption.
The Korean adoptees were the first massive wave of international adoptions, almost 30 years earlier than most other countries, and so there are entire generations of Korean adoptees -- from children all the way to adults in their 70s -dealing with the impact of their assimilation, and there have only been a handful of studies that follow transracial adoptees over a lifetime.
And he was right: the tattoo did eventually lead me to find the family that I had lost.
Unfortunately, he passed away nine years before he could see his children reunited.
But last year, I traveled to Korea to meet my two older brothers, my aunt and uncle, and I learned a lot of new things about myself, including my real birth date, which actually makes me seven months older.
(Laughter) This middle-aged woman did not love hearing that she is older.
(Laughter) And that explains all those gifted and talented classes I had in school.
(Laughter) But the most important thing that I learned was that I had a loving family in Korea who remembered me as a little baby and had never forgotten me.
I wasn't abandoned, like my adoption records said.
I was wanted.
It's time to reframe our views on adoption.
A healthy adoption ecosystem is one in which children, adoptive families and birth families each own their unique stories.
When these narratives are placed side by side, it creates better empathy and policies for the lives that adoption impacts.
Here are two things that adults can do to better protect adopted children's stories. 以下是成年人可以做的两件事，以更好地保护被##的儿童的故事。
First, give children safe emotional spaces to express their emotions, both positive and negative.
首先，给##安全的情感空间来表达他们的情感，无论是积极的还是消极的。Phrases such as "tell me more," "what do you wish for" and "those feelings are normal" are ways that parents can grant emotional oxygen to their children. 诸如〃告诉我更多"之类的短语"〃你想要什么〃和〃那些感觉是正常的〃是父母给##情绪氧气的 方式。
Second, validate a child's adoption story.
Children may express emotions that may feel hurtful or worry an adoptive parent.
As a parent, work to hold and manage your fears separately from your child. 作为父母，努力控制和管理你的恐惧与你的##分开。
Always acknowledge your child's story as valid and important.
Now, it's natural to want to protect children from experiencing pain.
But my tattoo is a poignant reminder that every adoption starts with loss, and every child is affected differently.
Children who are adopted can live full, rich lives, as we accept and build upon this unique set of cards that we were dealt.
And as you listen to our narratives with empathy, you will hear other things as well: childlike curiosity, grace, resilience, courage, love and yes, even gratitude. 当你同情地聆听我们的叙述时，你也会听到其他的东西：##般的好奇心，优雅，韧性，勇 气，爱，是的，甚至感激。